Wednesday, March 5, 2014

FML, time to act.

I wish to speak to whoever is listening casually about the factors that create a detrimental impact on my achievements that I 'claim to want'. Over the last 10 years, I've said many things about what I want and have perhaps taken a few steps in the right direction, but definitely, from my perception, far degraded than the push and drive that I could be making to get there. I incubate ideals of 'great achievements' of what a successful life can be in the pursuance of art, as certain aspects of art peak my interest. But it eventually results in a conclusive feeling that I have done almost next to nothing to get there. As a matter of fact as I write, it is immediately following the planning stage that I falter. In my planning stage, I develop what I observe post-schedule-creation, to be the ideal agenda for what it means for instance to become a great comic book artist, or life drawer, filmmaker, or any other study of the artistic realm. This means right down to what time I shower, to when I'm practicing one of said artistic trades, and when I'm taking breaks, working out, to when I have meals. The regiment is strictly and obsessively plotted. The plot also contains dates, and times. You would think that all I must do at this point is work at the schedule, do what it is that I took great many hours putting together. But, and of course, there was a 'but' in essence, I lacked any drive, motivation, or esteem to even so much as pick up a pencil. I became overwhelmed with what my schedule meant, and I put it aside. For 10 years.

Even today I still carry the same traits of procrastination, correlating to phrases like, 'I'll start tomorrow'. This notion that there will always be a tomorrow. I have read many quotes and perhaps even educated myself on what it means to achieve goals through a step-by-step process of self-efficacy. From my judgment, a harsh self-realization could result that I have no motivation. Or self-motivation for that matter. When looking at the word self-motivation, it starts with the word, 'self'. A great way to remember such a powerful trait. How do I even know such traits can be measured as so powerful? Because it is beyond my cognition, beyond my practice or enactment. The implication of an already prepared schedule seems so simple. Like the Nike phrase, 'Just do it'. But why do I not do? Am I just so lazy? Why am I such a shit talker? Over the years my family has emptied their wallets into schooling, called on me to check on my condition, how my reports are looking, asked to see my work, asked about my achievements. And I completely took advantage of them. Or perhaps there are excuses I can formulate to defend myself, like I was young first attending school, or I was in a stage of understanding a new environment.

But at the end of the day, the question could be asked, "Was the job done"? The world does not seem to care about anything else. Excuses never built the Pantheon or created water transporting aqueducts. Excuses never created societies where models were developed to ensure stability and homeostasis.

I write not because I'm here to tell you what I'm going to do, but to tell you what I'm doing and what I've done. Everything else, will be excuses. My schedule, will remain a secret.

It is 11:00 pm. I'm going to bed

-Z